Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
