I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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