Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
