I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
