my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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