I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
