another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
