Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
