she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am one with the molecules
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
