we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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