He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
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