Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
