why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
