life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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