If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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