I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
it's like iHOP with fire
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
