Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
