I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
