alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
