Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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