he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
