The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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