do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
