I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
