im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
