Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
