god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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