im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
