Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
