last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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