I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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