Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize