I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We have started to decorate penises.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
