He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
