Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
