im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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