I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
