My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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