She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
