For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
