No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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