I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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