Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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