I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
