I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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