Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
