can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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