i was born a porn star she said
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
