you have to choose: penises or morals?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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