just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
