i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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