Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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