I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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