Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
