Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
