Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize