I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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