I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
